My Wife Loves Me But Doesn’t Desire Me. What Should I Do?

Raise your hand if your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.

When you pursue your wife sexually, you’re met with rejection after rejection, killing any dreams you have for intimacy.

“I feel like my wife is not sexually attracted to me”.

“My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me”

“My wife doesn’t want to touch me anymore”

These are the common things many married men say about their uninterested wives.

Well, there’s good news my friend! Often, there is a deeper reason for your wife’s low sex drive. It most likely has nothing to do with you. There are 5 legitimate reasons why your wife’s sexual desire is low.

  1. Stress
  2. Medication interference
  3. Medical and physical conditions
  4. Habits
  5. Fatigue

These 5 justifiable issues can cause friction, disappointment, rejection, and hurt in a marriage, but it is extremely important for you to understand these issues are not your fault and you can help your wife through these problems by being supportive, loving, and responsive to her needs.

By the end of this post, you will know the exact steps you can take to help your wife boost her sexual desire for you.

Ready? Let’s dive in!

So, what exactly should you do, when your wife loves you but doesn’t desire you?

My wife loves me but doesn't desire me

There are several things you can do to help yourself and your wife through the difficulties of her low sexual desire. Here are the exact steps you can take to relieve your wife’s low sex drive and the mental and emotional pain of sexual rejection.

  • Go see a doctor – a physician can run some tests and check for hormonal imbalances and other physical conditions that may be contributing to your wife’s low sex drive. Medical tests can give you some answers and help you set goals to make healthy changes in your bodies to boost sexual desire and stabilize hormone issues.
  • Take an inventory of what your wife is consuming and inviting into her body – Medications, food, too much sugar, supplements, alcohol? Medications and alcohol can significantly decrease her sexual desire. There might need to be an adjustment in medication (lower dose or a different medication) and a decrease in alcohol consumption to boost your wife’s sexual desire.
  • Alleviate stress – stress is a huge killer of sexual desire. When a woman is stressed, she doesn’t want to have sex. You can help her decrease stress by helping her more around the house and allowing her to rest when she is tired.
  • Practice mindfulness to overcome a negative mindset – The largest sex organ in your body is the brain. When you and your wife have a negative mindset about sex, it is extremely difficult to have any sexual desire at all. Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, so practicing positive mindfulness can get you both mentally ready and prime your brain for a higher sexual desire. (secret: assisting your wife in preparing her brain for sex will result in sex!)
  • Consult with a sex therapist together – Unfortunately, there are times when your wife and even you can experience emotional and mental blocks. This can lead to low sexual desire. A sex therapist can offer you guidance to try effective solutions in overcoming mental and emotional blocks to sexual desire. There may be sexual abuse in your wife’s past that she can’t move past or other severe emotional issues she needs help overcoming.

Coping with your wife’s low sexual desire situation mentally and emotionally:

how can i cope up mentally when wife is not sexually attracted to me

As a husband, a lack of sexual activity with your wife can be mentally and emotionally taxing. The reason is, sex is how you are designed to connect with the woman you love. Here are some ways you can cope mentally and emotionally while you are in the waiting room of your wife’s low sex drive.

a. Communication – Establishing and maintaining an open dialogue with your wife about how you feel about the situation is important. Don’t stuff your feelings or hide them. That is a breeding ground for contempt and toxicity in your relationship, which will not lead to sexual activity. Talking about your goals and creating a plan together to help your wife increase her sexual desire will give you hope and alleviate the helplessness and frustration you feel about your wife’s low sexual desire. Communication cultivates emotional intimacy, which will always help increase your wife’s sexual desire.

b. Exercise – physical activity has a way of releasing the same endorphins in the brain as sex does and it is a healthy alternative until your wife’s sexual desire improves.

c. Talk to a close friend or a therapist – sometimes a good vent session can help you relieve the pent-up frustration of not having sex with your wife. This helps release the negative emotions in a safe space, so you leave them there and you don’t take your frustration out on your wife.

If you take the steps above, you and your wife can create a great foundation for sexual intimacy. I know it is extremely difficult to be supportive when you want sex and nothing is happening, but you and your wife love each other. So, it is best to be patient and help her through her low sex drive issues. If you act angry and bitter, she will not be responsive to you and reject your attempts to have sex because she will feel alone.

After all steps above are completed and consistently maintained… and…. the sexual obstacles for your wife are knocked out, pursuing sex with your wife won’t be as complicated as you think. With the right emotional connection, you can help your wife boost her desire for you, all without rejection and sexual frustration.

5 irresistible ways you can boost your wife’s desire to have sex with you:

my wife doesn't want me sexually

1. Have a conversation – Women love to connect by talking with you about your day and stuff that interests them. Your wife wants to know that you are interested in what she thinks about and what makes her tic. She wants to feel heard and validated. Communication feeds her emotional connection with you and fills her love bank. Communication is one major way to help your wife feel loved. If you don’t talk with your wife before pursuing sex, she will feel used and that you only want her for one thing. So, have a conversation.

2. Date your wife – Take your wife out on a romantic evening on the town. She wants to feel like a beautiful cherished princess. You can go as far as surprising her with that sexy dress she’s been eyeing at the mall. You can leave a romantic note that says: “put this on and meet me in the living room in 30 minutes, I want to take you out for a special dinner because I love you and want to spend time with you alone.”

Trust me, she will be dressed and ready with makeup and all just to get a special night out with her man.

3. Make her a priority – Women (especially your wife) hate being pushed aside for your job, your friends, sports, Television, or whatever else occupies your attention. She wants to know that she is first in your life. If you’ve ignored her for weeks or months and expect her to have sex with you, it is not going to happen. You might be saying… wow! It takes so much work to get laid! Yes, it does, because it is not just about sex for her. She wants to feel an emotional connection with you. She must have a first-place above everything else in your life. Find a balance and create margin in your life so you can put your life first. Your sex life will be a great deal more satisfying if you put forth the effort to make your wife a top priority.

4. Speak her love language – Everyone has a love language, even you! So, when you speak your wife’s love language, she will be chasing you to the bedroom. There are 5 love languages. They are acts of service, gifts, quality time, affirmations, and physical touch. Remember the conversation I mentioned earlier? Begin a conversation by asking your wife what her love language is. When you ask her about her love language it will show her that you are interested in her and how she thinks and feels.

5. Give her non-sexual touch – Hug your wife, hold her hand. Allow time for snuggling and getting close. A 60second embrace can calm anxiety and stress. Also, women are like ovens, they take a bit to warm up, so you must preheat them. They want to feel safe and cherished. It is difficult for a woman to have sexual intimacy when there is no snuggling, hugging and kissing. Foreplay is the window to sexual intimacy. It is extremely important for your wife to feel loved and cherished by you, so hold her and give her a warm hug!

If you partner and cooperate with your wife through this process, no matter how long it takes, you will both be ready for sexual intimacy. And you know what the best part is? Every time you are supportive through this process, she will definitely notice, and you, my friend, will feel desired by your wife!

My Wife Loves Me But Doesn't Desire Me. What Should I Do

Rhonda Stalb LMFT

Rhonda Stalb is a licensed family therapist (LMFT) and a relationship counselor who lives in Huntsville, Alabama. She completed her Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy from Amridge University and is currently a licensed clinician, owner at Beautifully Broken Therapy Services. She is also Board Certified by the Alabama Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapy and has extensive experience of 10 years, as a therapist. Rhonda is always passionate about facilitating change for her clients and also loves helping them via her private practice.
Rhonda Stalb LMFT